Today has been one rather long day. I've gone from waking up feeling fine, to taking medication, to being in severe pain and vomiting everything I eat, to watching an incredible movie at Sovereign ... it's just been a long day. However, despite the "length" and pain of it all, I learned a few things that I want to talk about here.
For one, I learned that ignoring my problems will get me nowhere. For a while I have not been making practical decisions where money is concerned and I am beginning to regret that. I go out on a limb at times to please persons or just to be around my friends and it all goes unnoticed while later on I suffer for it in some other way that threatens my contentment. I don't blame who I hang out with - I blame me. I'm probably just really spoiled, thinking if I want to go somewhere or do something and I don't have much money to do it, then I use what I have and hope I'll somehow get something more later on. But that's not how it is and I need to accept that and work with it.
God has brought some really generous persons into my life before - friends who would cover for me when I had nothing. But I can't expect everyone to be like them, for people to foot my bill when I should have stayed home instead of eating out (not literally). It's not right to expect that or maybe even to want that and I'm seeing that now.
The second thing I learned is that I think I deserve a guy who will make sacrifices for me. I think that if I go through life finding guys that are somewhat appealing but none of them will make a sacrifice for a friend in need, whether it be time, money, a hug or a listening ear, then I may never get married. Love is all about forsaking self and meeting the need of the other person and I understand that very well. I have no problem giving all I can so that someone I love can be somewhat happier but, if that isn't present on the other person's part, it seems foolish to commit to something like that. I feel like I'm partially paranoid when a guy seems mean or bit stingy. Maybe it has something to do with my father. But I know for certain that I would willingly put myself in a vulnerable position (where the person I love has the ABILITY to abuse my kindness but hopefully chooses not to) and so, if that can't be reciprocated, then I don't want that relationship.
I've had quite a rough time as a child and teenager; I don't want to be in misery as an adult. I'm going to try with all my might to make wise decisions from now on, whether it be concerning finances or guys =) ... with God, I'm sure everything will be fine.
That's deep.....
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