His Love Transforms!!

For about a year and a half I believe I have been experiencing a great struggle in my walk with God. There were so many issues going on in my life that I had once been extremely passionate about the Lord sorting out. When I just became I Christian, I just KNEW He was able to deal with all the various stuff going on in my life at that time. However, as time progressed and it began to seem like many of the things I wanted Him to do weren't happening, disappointment began to seep in and ultimately lack of faith. I didn't realize it at first because of the way it took a somewhat godly form. I began to just question a lot of things. When I heard of tragic situations, I would think stuff like "Yeah, God CAN do anything, but will He?". I moved from a place of having faith no matter the matter to lacking faith for almost every matter.

Just last week I was telling my best friend what I had been going through and how I wasn't really expecting an upcoming UCCF camp to do much about it. However, I prayed that God would have His way and do what He willed at this camp, the theme of which was "His LOVE Transforms". I was asked to do an item that somehow depicted this theme. Initially, I was like thinking that I was in no position to say or sing anything about a transforming love. Nevertheless, God told me to write a poem about what was going on with me and that He would give me a melody after and He did! Thankfully, people were ministered to and I was certain it had nothing to do with me.

Since the title of this blog sounds so positive, obviously the camp was awesome!! Or rather God IS awesome and definitely displayed His awesomeness on this camp! The interesting thing is that I cannot pinpoint ONE particular experience that did it for me. It was just a potpourri of things that all came together and showed me that through His love I could be different. The hurting side of me was healed, the doubtful side was inspired to believe, the lazy side became determined, the fickle side became disciplined, the bitter side has forgiven, the frustrated side was granted peace and the insecure side IS becoming confident in Him! The only thing I kinda regret is being somewhat anti-social with people I didn't know very well which God eventually revealed to me was linked to me not trusting others easily. He's still working on me with that =D.

I know without a doubt that God's purpose for my life must be established and I am totally ready to do whatever He asks of me. The very thing He requests, He will enable me to do. He loved me enough to die for me and He loves me enough to transform me. Oh so grateful I am!! I wanna jump and shout and spin and dance like crazy. And even in the times I don't feel like this, I just wanna remember that the Lord my God changeth not and so my stance ought not to change either.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still Trying to Figure Stuff Out

Just wanna thank the Lord for another year! 2009 had its issues and all but, Jesus brought me through and that's the real highlight.

Today has been one rather long day. I've gone from waking up feeling fine, to taking medication, to being in severe pain and vomiting everything I eat, to watching an incredible movie at Sovereign ... it's just been a long day. However, despite the "length" and pain of it all, I learned a few things that I want to talk about here.

For one, I learned that ignoring my problems will get me nowhere. For a while I have not been making practical decisions where money is concerned and I am beginning to regret that. I go out on a limb at times to please persons or just to be around my friends and it all goes unnoticed while later on I suffer for it in some other way that threatens my contentment. I don't blame who I hang out with - I blame me. I'm probably just really spoiled, thinking if I want to go somewhere or do something and I don't have much money to do it, then I use what I have and hope I'll somehow get something more later on. But that's not how it is and I need to accept that and work with it.

God has brought some really generous persons into my life before - friends who would cover for me when I had nothing. But I can't expect everyone to be like them, for people to foot my bill when I should have stayed home instead of eating out (not literally). It's not right to expect that or maybe even to want that and I'm seeing that now.

The second thing I learned is that I think I deserve a guy who will make sacrifices for me. I think that if I go through life finding guys that are somewhat appealing but none of them will make a sacrifice for a friend in need, whether it be time, money, a hug or a listening ear, then I may never get married. Love is all about forsaking self and meeting the need of the other person and I understand that very well. I have no problem giving all I can so that someone I love can be somewhat happier but, if that isn't present on the other person's part, it seems foolish to commit to something like that. I feel like I'm partially paranoid when a guy seems mean or bit stingy. Maybe it has something to do with my father. But I know for certain that I would willingly put myself in a vulnerable position (where the person I love has the ABILITY to abuse my kindness but hopefully chooses not to) and so, if that can't be reciprocated, then I don't want that relationship.

I've had quite a rough time as a child and teenager; I don't want to be in misery as an adult. I'm going to try with all my might to make wise decisions from now on, whether it be concerning finances or guys =) ... with God, I'm sure everything will be fine.