One Desire

I want to really get back to a place where my sole desire is to please God in everything I do. I am not exactly sure what has happened that has dissipated my passion for Him but, I want it back. I just don't know how to start. I know He'll take me as I am; I know He can do anything. Yet, it just feels like there's so much work that needs to be done in my life. There's a lot that I really cannot change; I've tried repeatedly and failed miserably - only He can change me. I have visited this place of wanting more of God quite a lot but, it doesn't seem as if anything ever results from it. It's like a fleeting desire with no real ground, no anchor. And it's crazy because my life is really nothing without Him. Every time I reflect on who I used to be and who I am today, I THANK God for my sanity, for the joy, for the healing. But I don't want to only recall to mind the God I knew then. I want to know Him now.

Hopefully, this time this will be more than a fleeting desire ...

And somehow I just know that at the end of it all, everything will be okay.

All things work together for good to those that love Him ~ Romans 8:28

A Break

I really need your help. I mean, I don't know what to do.

I know I don't quite act like it, but I'm beginning to think I like you.

Well, you're my friend! So, of course I want to be wherever you are.

Of course I'd utterly hate the idea of us ever being apart.

Of course I've lost track of how much you make me smile.

Of course I can see us one day walking down that aisle.

Uh ... wait ... nah, that's not what I meant.

Get all thoughts of marriage out of your head!

I mean, we're just friends ... right? That's what we should be.

It's like my mind knows the truth but, my heart is not pleased.

I don't know what I'm saying right now. I'm not sure how I feel.

But I do know that I don't want to lose you unexpectedly.

I don't want to take you for granted, assuming you'll always be here,

Thinking I have time to sort out my emotions, to work on what we share

Or what I think we do. I just can't understand why this is happening.

Really! You're not exactly my type ... not the person I was expecting

To be the man God intended to love me with all his might

But if you are, I can say that I am pleasantly surprised

Uh ... what am I doing? What am I setting myself up for?

You probably don't see me that way, never thought of me like that before.

Whatever ... it doesn't matter. I just need to bury all these thoughts.

I need to forget that I don't mind the corny jokes or crazy remarks.

And I definitely need to forget that we're similar in so many ways.

Yea ... OK, that's it. I really think we need a break.

I can no longer blame myself

About a year and a half ago, I was desperately searching for a new church family. I had been disappointed with a lot of things that occurred in my own church and during my search, I approached other churches, ministers, sermons etc. with a great amount of skepticism. I became a "faith critic" over-analyzing every word, questioning every impression. But that was because I didn't want to end up regretting my choice - I wanted to go where God wanted me to go. It took a while ... over a year, I believe, to find a church but, eventually I did. I knew it wasn't perfect. It was different from where I was coming from, pretty small and not quite as noisy or "hype". But I felt it was where God wanted me to be and I certainly felt the love.

The first time I visited this church, by the end of the service, I basically met every single member that had attended that day; people just kept on introducing themselves to me and embracing me. In particular though, I remember meeting this one guy for the first time. I noticed him as soon as the service ended, and I was somewhat surprised at his appearance. I believe he had on a white t-shirt and a pair o jeans (something I wasn't quite familiar with seeing at church) ... his hair was high and uncombed (it was clear that he should've gotten a haircut weeks before). Well, he came over, seemingly confident and all, and introduced himself. I did the same and I remember asking him where he worked. When he told me, I said to myself "Please God, keep me away from this one."

Either God didn't answer my prayer or I didn't let Him - I'm still not sure which one it was. But, that guy and I gradually became very good friends. We were such good friends that when I was applying for college in the US, I considered the fact that I didn't want to leave him "alone" because I didn't want him to fall away. I wanted to be his support, to encourage him to continue living for the Lord. And I knew deep down that his relationship with the Lord, if it were legit, should not have depended on my friendship with him and that I didn't need to be around him all the time. But I just wanted to be there ... he had fallen away once before and I didn't want that to happen again.

As we spoke, as our friendship grew and as we discovered our similarities, it became very difficult for me to avoid liking him despite KNOWING that I did not want a relationship at that time. In addition to my desire to keep things platonic, the fact that he liked one of my friends made my attraction to him seem unthinkable ... just not something that should've existed. I tried to kill it, choke it, stifle it, drown it ... I did everything I could to get rid of my "like". But despite all my efforts to run away, I couldn't. Eventually though, it came to light (by mistake) that we liked each other and that's when we realized that if we didn't both back off, we'd have a situation on our hands that we didn't want ... or at least that I didn't want.

We attempted to cut down our 4 hr convos every day to 2 hr convos (lol) and then to 1 hr convos and then to every other day convos and it was TORTURE. And we failed miserably many many times but, we still tried. Plus we had a good old pastor to continuously tell us to "RUN" ... lol. Along the way though, this guy did things that caused me to constantly question his liking for me (and maybe my own insecurities added to the pain of it all) but, we sorted those issues out and continued. Funny enough, even though we were running away from each other, it just seemed like we were in a pseudo-relationship just waiting on the Lord to say "Yes". Ha ... I really wanted that at one point, I really wanted him to be the guy God wanted me to be with - or so I thought for a while.

So to cut a long story short, I'll say this. Life happened. I started med school, he got a job promotion and started going to evening school and we just got really busy. But he still called. I just didn't always return those calls - and even when I did, I kept our convos really tight. The thing is though, med school wasn't the only reason I was "busy". Sadly, I began to compare this guy to another guy friend of mine - one that seemed to be more mature and way less of a flirt. And because of these differences, an internal battle was induced. My heart was still with my friend but, I was no longer sure if I wanted God to say "Yes". I didn't know what I wanted.

I said I was cutting the story short so here goes. We stopped talking for a while. I sensed a threat i.e. that he wanted to be with someone else, and told him I no longer felt the same way (kinda to protect myself). He ended up in another relationship, started doing things he stopped doing when he came to the Lord and ultimately, he fell away. Fell away just like that. It was like a total change and I was in denial for a while. Then I got angry and finally, confused and hurt. I began to wonder though if I wasn't there enough ... if I had caused the very thing I wanted to protect him from.

I now know that he made a conscious decision to depart from God and though I sense that maybe I hurt him (which I totally regret doing), I can't continue blaming myself for what happened. I miss him though, more than I thought I would. Regardless of the fact that I liked him, we had a great friendship and he was a passionate man of God. But all I can do is hope and pray that he will return to the Lord.

Maybe one day I'll get my friend back but, I can no longer blame myself.

Since the last time I wrote ...

I haven't written in a very long time despite my efforts to start writing again. Well, that only means I should have quite a bit to say. My second semester of med school went well ... way better than the first and I thank the Lord for that! I mean, it was still rough at times but, I was way more consistent in pre-reading notes for class and this helped me to grasp lessons more easily. I started out with a passion for neuroscience and haematology (don't mean to sound like a nerd) and while neuro stood firm, my love my haematology was quickly replaced by my love for the respiratory syst. Anywhoo, I'm glad I could actually find stuff in these courses to like -- that really encouraged me to study more. I can only hope and pray that I will like most (if not all) of my courses next semester. But yes! First year med is OVER! NO TURNING BACK! I didn't fail a thing and I'm soooo relieved. Wow ... where would I be if not for Your grace Lord?

As I reflect on the year though, I realize much more has taken place than academic improvement. I have built valuable friendships that fuel my joy and keep me thanking the Lord for His mercies. There were times though when I felt I was being classed as the "technical" or "super-spiritual" one by even Christian friends and that was somewhat saddening. I felt they didn't understand my drive ... my motivation ... my desire to have nothing hinder my relationship with my Lord. And soon I began to question these things too. What's wrong with me? Am I really just technical like some seem to think? Maybe I should just stop everything ... stop caring ... stop wondering if God is in approval of my life or daily activities. But that didn't work out. I just couldn't do it. I decided to continue standing regardless of what happened. In many ways I felt alone but, in many ways God showed me I wasn't. And I became a part of closer bonds within my group of friends.

One particular friend has persistently managed to disturb my peace or esteem in some way or another. Unintentional? Yea, I know (or at least I think I know) but that hasn't ameliorated my pain in any way. There was a point where I used to fight with this person ALL the time (it seemed) but, then I actually tried to adapt to the personality he displayed to no avail. After a few months my efforts became worn out and every negative comment directed at me from him never failed to pierce some part of me. I was going to cut him off but I realized I had been doing so much venting to another friend and not as much praying. When I prayed about it last night, I felt God was telling me not to cut him off ... but to continue to pray and trust. God also warned me about my own talk - that I should ensure that I speak wholesome, uplifting words. I've given the situation over to the Lord and it is my prayer that my soul will be healed.

I've learned a few things about myself. I can be very shallow when it comes to guys. lol. Not shallow in the sense "omg, that guy is so cute" but shallow in that I can probably fall in-like with any guy that looks decent and plays an instrument skillfully. If he can sing?! Then wow ... I might fall in love. LOL. OK ... clearly I'm pushing it. I'm not THAT bad but still, things need to change. Sadly, I don't even know when to take myself seriously. I don't know when "this is different" will really be different! I just have to trust in God to reveal it yaah man cuz I really don't know.

Moving on still. I also realized how insecure I can be about me ... the way I look, talk, act etc. There are times when I question EVERYTHING and allow all the lies of the enemy to seep in (which is wrong ... duh). At other times though, it's like I can't help it ... almost like insecurity is a part of who I am. But I know that's another lie and I reject it in Jesus' name. Christian ppl have more authority than we think; just that we give the devil too much leeway in our lives. I've decided to start claiming God's Truth and rebuking satan's lies.

I know there's more to say but, I'll pause here for now. I'm sure there'll be more opportunities (God willing) to share my med year 1 adventures and lessons =D

Who knew med was so difficult?

I am extremely grateful to God for taking me through semester one of med school.  But honestly, it was more difficult than I expected.  Now I really understand what the second year students were attempting to do when they warned us about the level of difficulty of the programme.  Initially, I thought they were only trying to scare us ... it seemed to me that they were exaggerating.  But now, I really understand.  IT IS A LOT OF WORK. 

I mean, semester one wasn't so bad after all; it's not that the content of the courses was difficult.  It was just a lot - as in, it entailed a very large quantity of things to learn in a seemingly short period of time.  I know that I am definitely at fault though for exercising poor study habits and all that.  It's quite ironic because, believe me, I started out great.  For the first two weeks =), I went home and would reread my notes (interestingly, that actually helped me out on the exams I had 4 months later) and I'd view the powerpoint presentations and everything.  I was even reading ahead of all my classes!  But eventually, I became "tired" of doing that - it wasn't something I was used to, so I stopped.  Actually, it used to make my head hurt too.  I remember opening my anatomy atlas and fighting overwhelming feelings, praying for the peace of God to rule my heart.  Seriously! 

Unfortunately, like I said, I stopped doing that, and that's where I went wrong.  This semester, I have made a decision to be disciplined though.  A decision to commit to studying despite my feelings or the lack of interest in any topic.  I'm only doing medicine because of the grace of God and I really thank Him for such an awesome privilege.  I don't want to let Him down or bring shame to His Name.

The disappointing thing is, I have no idea how well (or not so well) I performed on my exams, and that really is a concern of mine.  However, God keeps reminding me to trust Him and not worry about a thing.  He has taken me through situations like these before; I just don't want to become presumptuous in my actions - to put in a mediocre standard of work and expect to reap glorious results.  

Lord, please help me to be more disciplined, and to also include You in every aspect of my life.