Seek Him

Something I wrote June 2008 that I discovered on hi5! (like no one uses hi5 anymore lol) Anyway, it ministered to me -- strange but, true. Maybe it will minister to you to:

If you are reading this, I am certain it is not by coincidence. Please don't take it lightly. God might just be speaking to you.

In the midst of our struggles, pain and concerns, we sometimes forget that we don't have to go through life all on our own. After a while of attempting to evade the truth, life can become pretty much about us - our titles, our fun, our needs, our sorrow, our pain, our goals.

Various things propel us into a state of self-gratification (I do what I want to do when I want to do it because it just feels good) - and it is only when we become desperate that we realize our need for something more than ourselves. I challenge everyone, as well as myself, to seek God before that point of desperation strikes.

Seek Him before you come to the end of your rope.

Seek Him before you get all the "pleasure" you can possibly get at the parties and sessions this summer.

Seek Him before tragedy strikes your household.

Seek Him before you become infected with AIDS, Hepatitis B or HPV etc.

Yes, sometimes these things serve as an alarm for you to realize you need to stop living the way you are. But it doesn't have to happen that way. Everyone will always say "that could never happen to me" until one day, it does.

Don't procrastinate until everything crashes down around you.

SEEK HIM WHILE YOU CAN BECAUSE THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN YOU WANT TO, AND YOU CAN'T.

Many people cry out to God only when they're in trouble, or when they've already wasted their lives in sin and want to get right just before they die. I am in no way undermining these people because "better late than never" is true in this case. But what I am saying is, God wants more than for you to call Him only because you're desperate. He wants to be a part of your life. He desires to hear from you. He knows the things of your heart but, just to hear you expressing them to Him would delight Him. Because of His great love for you, He wants to heal your heart. He wants to lead you in every facet of your life. BUT you have to want Him to do it too - to the point where you're willing to give Him everything.

Our sin gets in the way of our walk with God and those who live in sin are not His children. God wants us to repent for choosing fleeting pleasure over the depth of a relationship with Him. It's not merely about "Choose God or go to hell" -- God has a purpose for your life, and He wants to use you as his coworker in reaching the people of this world. (2 Corinthians 6:1)

Make the sacrifice and remember your Creator in the days of your youth. (Ecclesiastes 12:1) It matters.

Something inside might just tell you you're not ready. Or wait until after summer because you've already made plans that God would not agree with. Or no matter how hard you try, you'll never change - you can never be free. Or the infamous one - Christianity is too BORING.

Friends, these are thoughts from the devil. He doesn't want to see you free so if he can convince you that you can't be free, you will never be free. I can tell you that freedom from sin IS possible. (John 8:36) God has set me free - he changed me in such a way that I still marvel at it now. He can set you free too. He made it all possible through Jesus who bore OUR sins in His body so that we could be free from sin. (1 John 1:9, Romans 10:9-10)

And the second you make that decision to reject sin and live for God, God begins to hold you in his hands and He will never let you go. For those of us who are in His hands but are discouraged, remember that all things work together for the good of them that love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) Remain faithful

His Love Transforms!!

For about a year and a half I believe I have been experiencing a great struggle in my walk with God. There were so many issues going on in my life that I had once been extremely passionate about the Lord sorting out. When I just became I Christian, I just KNEW He was able to deal with all the various stuff going on in my life at that time. However, as time progressed and it began to seem like many of the things I wanted Him to do weren't happening, disappointment began to seep in and ultimately lack of faith. I didn't realize it at first because of the way it took a somewhat godly form. I began to just question a lot of things. When I heard of tragic situations, I would think stuff like "Yeah, God CAN do anything, but will He?". I moved from a place of having faith no matter the matter to lacking faith for almost every matter.

Just last week I was telling my best friend what I had been going through and how I wasn't really expecting an upcoming UCCF camp to do much about it. However, I prayed that God would have His way and do what He willed at this camp, the theme of which was "His LOVE Transforms". I was asked to do an item that somehow depicted this theme. Initially, I was like thinking that I was in no position to say or sing anything about a transforming love. Nevertheless, God told me to write a poem about what was going on with me and that He would give me a melody after and He did! Thankfully, people were ministered to and I was certain it had nothing to do with me.

Since the title of this blog sounds so positive, obviously the camp was awesome!! Or rather God IS awesome and definitely displayed His awesomeness on this camp! The interesting thing is that I cannot pinpoint ONE particular experience that did it for me. It was just a potpourri of things that all came together and showed me that through His love I could be different. The hurting side of me was healed, the doubtful side was inspired to believe, the lazy side became determined, the fickle side became disciplined, the bitter side has forgiven, the frustrated side was granted peace and the insecure side IS becoming confident in Him! The only thing I kinda regret is being somewhat anti-social with people I didn't know very well which God eventually revealed to me was linked to me not trusting others easily. He's still working on me with that =D.

I know without a doubt that God's purpose for my life must be established and I am totally ready to do whatever He asks of me. The very thing He requests, He will enable me to do. He loved me enough to die for me and He loves me enough to transform me. Oh so grateful I am!! I wanna jump and shout and spin and dance like crazy. And even in the times I don't feel like this, I just wanna remember that the Lord my God changeth not and so my stance ought not to change either.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still Trying to Figure Stuff Out

Just wanna thank the Lord for another year! 2009 had its issues and all but, Jesus brought me through and that's the real highlight.

Today has been one rather long day. I've gone from waking up feeling fine, to taking medication, to being in severe pain and vomiting everything I eat, to watching an incredible movie at Sovereign ... it's just been a long day. However, despite the "length" and pain of it all, I learned a few things that I want to talk about here.

For one, I learned that ignoring my problems will get me nowhere. For a while I have not been making practical decisions where money is concerned and I am beginning to regret that. I go out on a limb at times to please persons or just to be around my friends and it all goes unnoticed while later on I suffer for it in some other way that threatens my contentment. I don't blame who I hang out with - I blame me. I'm probably just really spoiled, thinking if I want to go somewhere or do something and I don't have much money to do it, then I use what I have and hope I'll somehow get something more later on. But that's not how it is and I need to accept that and work with it.

God has brought some really generous persons into my life before - friends who would cover for me when I had nothing. But I can't expect everyone to be like them, for people to foot my bill when I should have stayed home instead of eating out (not literally). It's not right to expect that or maybe even to want that and I'm seeing that now.

The second thing I learned is that I think I deserve a guy who will make sacrifices for me. I think that if I go through life finding guys that are somewhat appealing but none of them will make a sacrifice for a friend in need, whether it be time, money, a hug or a listening ear, then I may never get married. Love is all about forsaking self and meeting the need of the other person and I understand that very well. I have no problem giving all I can so that someone I love can be somewhat happier but, if that isn't present on the other person's part, it seems foolish to commit to something like that. I feel like I'm partially paranoid when a guy seems mean or bit stingy. Maybe it has something to do with my father. But I know for certain that I would willingly put myself in a vulnerable position (where the person I love has the ABILITY to abuse my kindness but hopefully chooses not to) and so, if that can't be reciprocated, then I don't want that relationship.

I've had quite a rough time as a child and teenager; I don't want to be in misery as an adult. I'm going to try with all my might to make wise decisions from now on, whether it be concerning finances or guys =) ... with God, I'm sure everything will be fine.

One Desire

I want to really get back to a place where my sole desire is to please God in everything I do. I am not exactly sure what has happened that has dissipated my passion for Him but, I want it back. I just don't know how to start. I know He'll take me as I am; I know He can do anything. Yet, it just feels like there's so much work that needs to be done in my life. There's a lot that I really cannot change; I've tried repeatedly and failed miserably - only He can change me. I have visited this place of wanting more of God quite a lot but, it doesn't seem as if anything ever results from it. It's like a fleeting desire with no real ground, no anchor. And it's crazy because my life is really nothing without Him. Every time I reflect on who I used to be and who I am today, I THANK God for my sanity, for the joy, for the healing. But I don't want to only recall to mind the God I knew then. I want to know Him now.

Hopefully, this time this will be more than a fleeting desire ...

And somehow I just know that at the end of it all, everything will be okay.

All things work together for good to those that love Him ~ Romans 8:28

A Break

I really need your help. I mean, I don't know what to do.

I know I don't quite act like it, but I'm beginning to think I like you.

Well, you're my friend! So, of course I want to be wherever you are.

Of course I'd utterly hate the idea of us ever being apart.

Of course I've lost track of how much you make me smile.

Of course I can see us one day walking down that aisle.

Uh ... wait ... nah, that's not what I meant.

Get all thoughts of marriage out of your head!

I mean, we're just friends ... right? That's what we should be.

It's like my mind knows the truth but, my heart is not pleased.

I don't know what I'm saying right now. I'm not sure how I feel.

But I do know that I don't want to lose you unexpectedly.

I don't want to take you for granted, assuming you'll always be here,

Thinking I have time to sort out my emotions, to work on what we share

Or what I think we do. I just can't understand why this is happening.

Really! You're not exactly my type ... not the person I was expecting

To be the man God intended to love me with all his might

But if you are, I can say that I am pleasantly surprised

Uh ... what am I doing? What am I setting myself up for?

You probably don't see me that way, never thought of me like that before.

Whatever ... it doesn't matter. I just need to bury all these thoughts.

I need to forget that I don't mind the corny jokes or crazy remarks.

And I definitely need to forget that we're similar in so many ways.

Yea ... OK, that's it. I really think we need a break.

I can no longer blame myself

About a year and a half ago, I was desperately searching for a new church family. I had been disappointed with a lot of things that occurred in my own church and during my search, I approached other churches, ministers, sermons etc. with a great amount of skepticism. I became a "faith critic" over-analyzing every word, questioning every impression. But that was because I didn't want to end up regretting my choice - I wanted to go where God wanted me to go. It took a while ... over a year, I believe, to find a church but, eventually I did. I knew it wasn't perfect. It was different from where I was coming from, pretty small and not quite as noisy or "hype". But I felt it was where God wanted me to be and I certainly felt the love.

The first time I visited this church, by the end of the service, I basically met every single member that had attended that day; people just kept on introducing themselves to me and embracing me. In particular though, I remember meeting this one guy for the first time. I noticed him as soon as the service ended, and I was somewhat surprised at his appearance. I believe he had on a white t-shirt and a pair o jeans (something I wasn't quite familiar with seeing at church) ... his hair was high and uncombed (it was clear that he should've gotten a haircut weeks before). Well, he came over, seemingly confident and all, and introduced himself. I did the same and I remember asking him where he worked. When he told me, I said to myself "Please God, keep me away from this one."

Either God didn't answer my prayer or I didn't let Him - I'm still not sure which one it was. But, that guy and I gradually became very good friends. We were such good friends that when I was applying for college in the US, I considered the fact that I didn't want to leave him "alone" because I didn't want him to fall away. I wanted to be his support, to encourage him to continue living for the Lord. And I knew deep down that his relationship with the Lord, if it were legit, should not have depended on my friendship with him and that I didn't need to be around him all the time. But I just wanted to be there ... he had fallen away once before and I didn't want that to happen again.

As we spoke, as our friendship grew and as we discovered our similarities, it became very difficult for me to avoid liking him despite KNOWING that I did not want a relationship at that time. In addition to my desire to keep things platonic, the fact that he liked one of my friends made my attraction to him seem unthinkable ... just not something that should've existed. I tried to kill it, choke it, stifle it, drown it ... I did everything I could to get rid of my "like". But despite all my efforts to run away, I couldn't. Eventually though, it came to light (by mistake) that we liked each other and that's when we realized that if we didn't both back off, we'd have a situation on our hands that we didn't want ... or at least that I didn't want.

We attempted to cut down our 4 hr convos every day to 2 hr convos (lol) and then to 1 hr convos and then to every other day convos and it was TORTURE. And we failed miserably many many times but, we still tried. Plus we had a good old pastor to continuously tell us to "RUN" ... lol. Along the way though, this guy did things that caused me to constantly question his liking for me (and maybe my own insecurities added to the pain of it all) but, we sorted those issues out and continued. Funny enough, even though we were running away from each other, it just seemed like we were in a pseudo-relationship just waiting on the Lord to say "Yes". Ha ... I really wanted that at one point, I really wanted him to be the guy God wanted me to be with - or so I thought for a while.

So to cut a long story short, I'll say this. Life happened. I started med school, he got a job promotion and started going to evening school and we just got really busy. But he still called. I just didn't always return those calls - and even when I did, I kept our convos really tight. The thing is though, med school wasn't the only reason I was "busy". Sadly, I began to compare this guy to another guy friend of mine - one that seemed to be more mature and way less of a flirt. And because of these differences, an internal battle was induced. My heart was still with my friend but, I was no longer sure if I wanted God to say "Yes". I didn't know what I wanted.

I said I was cutting the story short so here goes. We stopped talking for a while. I sensed a threat i.e. that he wanted to be with someone else, and told him I no longer felt the same way (kinda to protect myself). He ended up in another relationship, started doing things he stopped doing when he came to the Lord and ultimately, he fell away. Fell away just like that. It was like a total change and I was in denial for a while. Then I got angry and finally, confused and hurt. I began to wonder though if I wasn't there enough ... if I had caused the very thing I wanted to protect him from.

I now know that he made a conscious decision to depart from God and though I sense that maybe I hurt him (which I totally regret doing), I can't continue blaming myself for what happened. I miss him though, more than I thought I would. Regardless of the fact that I liked him, we had a great friendship and he was a passionate man of God. But all I can do is hope and pray that he will return to the Lord.

Maybe one day I'll get my friend back but, I can no longer blame myself.

Since the last time I wrote ...

I haven't written in a very long time despite my efforts to start writing again. Well, that only means I should have quite a bit to say. My second semester of med school went well ... way better than the first and I thank the Lord for that! I mean, it was still rough at times but, I was way more consistent in pre-reading notes for class and this helped me to grasp lessons more easily. I started out with a passion for neuroscience and haematology (don't mean to sound like a nerd) and while neuro stood firm, my love my haematology was quickly replaced by my love for the respiratory syst. Anywhoo, I'm glad I could actually find stuff in these courses to like -- that really encouraged me to study more. I can only hope and pray that I will like most (if not all) of my courses next semester. But yes! First year med is OVER! NO TURNING BACK! I didn't fail a thing and I'm soooo relieved. Wow ... where would I be if not for Your grace Lord?

As I reflect on the year though, I realize much more has taken place than academic improvement. I have built valuable friendships that fuel my joy and keep me thanking the Lord for His mercies. There were times though when I felt I was being classed as the "technical" or "super-spiritual" one by even Christian friends and that was somewhat saddening. I felt they didn't understand my drive ... my motivation ... my desire to have nothing hinder my relationship with my Lord. And soon I began to question these things too. What's wrong with me? Am I really just technical like some seem to think? Maybe I should just stop everything ... stop caring ... stop wondering if God is in approval of my life or daily activities. But that didn't work out. I just couldn't do it. I decided to continue standing regardless of what happened. In many ways I felt alone but, in many ways God showed me I wasn't. And I became a part of closer bonds within my group of friends.

One particular friend has persistently managed to disturb my peace or esteem in some way or another. Unintentional? Yea, I know (or at least I think I know) but that hasn't ameliorated my pain in any way. There was a point where I used to fight with this person ALL the time (it seemed) but, then I actually tried to adapt to the personality he displayed to no avail. After a few months my efforts became worn out and every negative comment directed at me from him never failed to pierce some part of me. I was going to cut him off but I realized I had been doing so much venting to another friend and not as much praying. When I prayed about it last night, I felt God was telling me not to cut him off ... but to continue to pray and trust. God also warned me about my own talk - that I should ensure that I speak wholesome, uplifting words. I've given the situation over to the Lord and it is my prayer that my soul will be healed.

I've learned a few things about myself. I can be very shallow when it comes to guys. lol. Not shallow in the sense "omg, that guy is so cute" but shallow in that I can probably fall in-like with any guy that looks decent and plays an instrument skillfully. If he can sing?! Then wow ... I might fall in love. LOL. OK ... clearly I'm pushing it. I'm not THAT bad but still, things need to change. Sadly, I don't even know when to take myself seriously. I don't know when "this is different" will really be different! I just have to trust in God to reveal it yaah man cuz I really don't know.

Moving on still. I also realized how insecure I can be about me ... the way I look, talk, act etc. There are times when I question EVERYTHING and allow all the lies of the enemy to seep in (which is wrong ... duh). At other times though, it's like I can't help it ... almost like insecurity is a part of who I am. But I know that's another lie and I reject it in Jesus' name. Christian ppl have more authority than we think; just that we give the devil too much leeway in our lives. I've decided to start claiming God's Truth and rebuking satan's lies.

I know there's more to say but, I'll pause here for now. I'm sure there'll be more opportunities (God willing) to share my med year 1 adventures and lessons =D